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Jack White Explains His Ultra LP

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What does it mean when you need 9 minutes to explain an LP? Jack White’s next Ultra LP requires this, because it’s Jack White’s stuff and nothing is simple… I tried to watch this video ‘The Lazaretto ULTRA LP’, and honestly I am still in awe after witnessing all these tricks and gimmicks, what the fuck, Jack White, what the fuck!

First of all, Jack White looks so stiff and pissed off at the beginning of the video, and the yellow-tied guy is handling the LP with so much precaution that this set the tone for the rest: White’s LP are some rare religious antiquities and should be venerated as such.

So what’s so rare and exceptional about this? Side One plays backwards from the inside out, with an outside locked groove repeating indefinitely. You mean you can listen to this thing forever? There are hidden tracks underneath the label, you just have to put the needle on the central label to believe it. It is a 3-speed LP, so you have to actually be close to your turntable and change the speed for these hidden tracks. You can play an acoustic or electro intro of the song ‘Just One Drink’ depending where you drop the needle. The grooves eventually come together and become one groove at the dual groove track intro… it is becoming totally ridiculous! One side is mat, flat, the other one shiny, but who cares? And I kept the best part for the end, there is a hologram of a floating angel (by Tristan Duke) appearing on Side A.

I laughed during the whole thing, taking yourself more seriously you can’t do. This is so gimmicky, so gadget-y that I wanted to punch Jack White in the face. Do you have time to sit in front of your turntable and watch that angel, while changing the speed from 78 RPM to 45 RPM? Because I don’t! I don’t even have a turntable, this is 20th century technology. And explain to me how a track is considered hidden when a 10 minute video explains where to find it? What is that? I want to listen to music, not play with a needle.

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