I read an article on concert etiquette. It was amusing in a way but in fact it got me thinking.
Going to concerts is the most social thing an anti social person can do. Trust me, I am the most anti social person you will ever meet. My own species makes me want to gag so I avoid them like the plague. I don’t want to have a nice day I don’t care with ‘how you doing’ and I will never wave to you unless I totally love you. I just cant be bothered. I have to be nice professionally so once the I’m off the clock , ‘fuck you leave me alone’
Which brings us to music. I can stand in a crowd of thousands and my skin literally crawls. I hate the smell of you and your gum and your beer and I hate the fact that your proximity to me alters my body temperature. Get your fluids on me and I will knee you and if you doubt it ask the Magpie, I deserve my own personal space bubble. Simple. Concerts allow me to go out and appear socially active but I don’t have to small talk to anyone and if you try to speak to me I can pretend not to hear you. Great great thing.
Personal music players iPods and ear buds have made my life a joy. Plug in tune out- I’m tuning you out. You annoy me. Its OK though cuz I cant hear you, so no one gets hurt.
So here it is MY concert etiquette list. Feel free to add your own points, we all have them. Don’t be shy, if we air out our issues perhaps we can make the world a better place.
1- Do not “WHOO HOOO” in my ear. What the hell does ‘woo hoo’ mean anyway?
2- Do not scream along. I came to hear the band sing, not you. You’re not on tour. G’head and sing that’s fine but don’t try to get louder than the vocalist, its a screech.
Stop it.
3. Do not stand in a walkway. You’re what a refer to as a human speed bump. I will bowl your ass over to get by, hug a wall, you’re not an island.
4-If you are behind me, do not push or rub up on me. Cuz simply said I am going to push back. I am not a ghost you cannot get through me. I am not tall but I can press back and topple you. Im an old school punk, we invented slam dancing, back off. I also don’t want to feel your padded push up bra boobs in my should blades, I don’t know you and consider yourself not my type. If you are my type- you’ll know.
5. Don’t curse at me. Look I’m doing my job- if I am in a restricted zone or in a press area get off my ass. I don’t bitch at you cuz you get a store discount at Hot Topic don’t bitch at me that I’m covering a show. Join us, be writer but if you call me or my kid a ‘bitch’ or anything else I will be sure to point to security to have you put back a bit. Be nice.
6. When its time to exit GO. I swear there is nothing worse than being stuck in a funnel trying to exit a club. Now is not the time to stop and scream or bla bla bla.. get moving youre a fire hazard.
7. Do not make out in the crowd. You look like trash, the chick looks like a whore and really its just gross. I understand that you have no other way cuz your still living with your mom but its just fucking stupid. Go to the restroom shut the door have a stand up screw and get on with the night. Enough already I really don’t feel like watching your show no matter how cute you are.
K thats sort of it for now, unless of course more pops into my head. Its concert season and Im excited. Im there to see and hear live music.
Dont fuck it up.
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