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Let's Play With Food For The Rock Stars


I have never wondered about this but I don’t think Jack White is vegetarian… a few years ago, when he was performing in Prospect Park’s Bandshell, he screamed on stage:

‘I bet you read Brooklyn Vegan too. Any other vegans in the crowd out there? Come on stage and we’ll kill a cow together.’

Okay he may have been a bit metaphorical, but he is also a taxidermy collector and once bought a $6,000 Elephant Head. I was horrified when I read it, and this is enough to think he has no problem with meat, right? So Jack White should probably get offended by this new food homage: Californian restaurant chain Unami burger has unveiled ‘The Black Key’s Akron Burger’, the latest in the restaurant’s ongoing ‘Artist Series’ of burgers – they also had a Mayer Hawthorne and a Slash ones.

‘The Black Keys are on top of the music world now’, declared Trevor Sacco, Unami Vice President, ‘We’re honored to add a bit of their ‘flavor’ to the Umami Burger roster.’ This is all for a good cause as $1 from each burger sold earmarked for The Black Keys Alfred McMoore Memorial Endowment Fund at Akron Community Foundation, plus fans can even enter to win tickets to the Black Keys’ upcoming LA show, but this is not the point. Even with a new album and a tour, Jack White failed to find recognition in the Velveetta-topped-beef-patty world!

Pitchfork has noticed that Australians can have their Jack-White-sweet-tooth fix with a new flavor of gelato called Jack ‘N’ White (including Jack Daniels, caramelized white chocolate gelato, caramelized pecans, and caramelized fudge). This looks really good to me but not so much for ex White Stripes frontman, the Black Keys have this aggressive piece of meat while he has a melting gelato dripping in sweetness? Bad sign for his so-called thunderous music and this should be another good reason for him to get pissed off.

But let’s imagine for a minute all the possibilities for other bands. If it would be very easy to imagine any entrée inspired by the Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Meat Loaf, Salt-N-Pepa, Spice Girls, the Black Eyed Peas, Korn or any desert inspired by Fiona Apple, Chuck Berry, Peaches, Blind Melon, the Lemonheads, the Cranberries, Blood Orange, Cream, Cake – they are asking for it and I could go on and on like this forever – I would like to see a 100-topping-pizza named after Lady Gaga because she wears any topping herself and has become very cheesy. Kanye West should certainly have his own ‘fruity’ cereal because he could redesign the box and save the world through design at the same time. Obviously, Jay Z should not go for less than these gold-coated cupcakes, whereas an old-fasioned steak tartare should just match Justin Bieber’s habit to vomit on stage: this raw stuff is always infected by E. coli anyway. Coldplay’s Chris Martin should get something very rich, with tons of dairy and gluten named after him, like some rich dark chocolate cake dipped in ice cream, because, after all these years of starvation on macrobiotic seeds with Gwyneth Paltrow, he totally deserves it, and I would name a soufflé after Taylor Swift, because they are full of air (nothing) and they collapse very fast like all her songs. I could go on like this forever.

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