Coachella is this weekend, and it’s really incredible how fast the year goes! Of course, I am not going as I have the feeling that this hyped festival has less and less to do with music,… it’s now all about fashion, money and show-off, and I realize it is often just about getting one of these expensive tickets! At this period of the year, Craiglist is inundated by desperate people who couldn’t score a ticket when they went on sale. Some are ready to do anything, so they say, and, at this period of the year, you can find the funniest, the craziest, the most disturbing Coachella posts on Craiglist. The hotter you are, the better, because it’s very much about selling your body to get one of these damn tickets. Prostitution is pretty much allowed for Coachella, proving one more time that Craiglist is one of the creepiest places on the internet. Here are a few that I was able to found:
‘JEW NEEDS A PASSOVER/COACHELLA MIRACLE – $400
dear friendly reader,
a brief history lesson:
G-d took the Hebrews out of Egypt to make them his people 3000 years ago…mad props. to do that, he put them in the desert to wander for their souls 40 years, and once done they became the Jewish nation. super cool
now, can you help this Hebrew go BACK to the desert? just for 3 days this time not 40 years. see, coachella tickets are hard to find last minute. I could really use a Passover miracle.
my offer is $400 cash….I know how these things work. I can always find someone willing to be fair, or just go another time. serious sellers only please! unregistered ticket preferably.’
A biblical lesson? People would do anything to make their ad stand out of the massive amount of Coachella-related ads. But most of these ads are total BS you have to be aware of this, and you have the ones trying to be reasonable despite the current chaos.
‘ANY REAL COACHELLA PEOPLE – $400 (long beach)
Any of you who are really trying to sell a WEEKEND 1 COACHELLA ticket…please contact me. I am exhausted from calling and texting a bunch of bogus number for this. I have read so many sob stories and a bunch of junk, and all i want is a legit deal. i have cash and can pay a reasonable price but those of you looking for more than 500 for this…not going to happen. in fact i find that heartbreaking that you want to make that much of a profit from us. anyways, hoping one of you out there will be kind enough to make me the happiest person on earth this weekend. please-danielle’
Then you have the totally pissed-off one, not even trying anymore just screaming his frustration to all the scalpers of the world:
‘FUCK ALL OF YOU COACHELLA RESELLERS AND DUMBASSES BUYING FOR 10000 – $1
YOU GUYS R THE REASON I CANT GO TO COACHELLA I JUST WANT TO GIVE A BIG FUCK YOU TO ALL OF YOU SELLING A TICKET FOR 1000 AND BUYING IT FOR THAT MUCH TOO. U GUYS ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS FLAG MY POST I DONT GIVE A FUCK JUST WANTED TO TELL ALL OF YOU FAGGOTS UR RETARDED FFFFFUUUUUCCCCKKK YYYYOOOOUUUU !!!!!!!!!!!’
As I said, prostitution reigns, women are ready to sell their body or any parts of it, but then, you have post like this one, totally unexpected and self-serving, written by a woman who thinks Coachella is gonna save her love life,… pffff, why would anyone sell her a ticket?
‘MY HEART (& VAGINA) NEED A WEEKEND 1 COACHELLA TICKET!
Do you believe in love?
Lemme be more specific. Do you believe in love AND crazy festival sex under the desert moon to the lyrical stylings of Big Boi?
Because yo, that is what I am trying to have this weekend.
Ima be real with y’all. (I’m a Southern gal so we know when it’s time to show our cards. Listen to The Gambler and you’ll understand.)
I’m 31 and I gotta git this damn show on the road, homeslice. I’m starting to cry during laundry detergent commercials. My ovaries are making a bid to take over my mind. Tick tick tick. Terrifying for me too, buddy.
So I’ve been Tindering. A lot.
And I don’t know about your relationship status, but it is carnage out there on the Internet. No joke, wild bro beasts lurking around every corner, waiting to douche up the dating scene…
I’ve seen things that make me worried for the reproductive future of our society. I’ve been on dates so heinous I considered ordering a flaming shot of 151 and pouring it over my head like some fed-up Buddhist love monk martyr who’s just endured too many cockily perched fedoras. ACTUAL ASSHATS.
And then I met HIM. On Tinder no less. He didn’t ask me to take his virginity or if I was into “butt stuff.” He’s witty and manly and open and sensitive and well-dressed and smells like delicious dude musk. In short, he’s a unicorn.
I must enchant this magic man. Coachella is my one true chance. My friends have a free house for the first weekend, I found a last-minute ticket…but he doesn’t have one. I need him to come…ya feel me?!
This could be it, y’all! I could fuckin’ lock this shit down because I intend to try out some sexual moves that will look like Cirque Du Soleil and feel like an episode of Cosmos…in yo dick. (Plus I imagine there will be recreational pharmaceuticals on-hand. That never hurts.)
So please. Sell me your ticket at a reasonable price. Don’t be a jerkball.
Do it for this budding romance that could change the trajectory of the planet (I feel strongly about my chances of procreating well.) Do it because you believe. Do it for my vagina.
In Love & Lust We Trust.’
But this one was my favorite, totally bogus but funny, what a joker!
‘Cows for Coachella tickets – $100
Have some extra cows laying around. I am willing to trade them for 2 Coachella passes.
100 cows per ticket obo
Contact Nevada BLM for more info.’
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