Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Ice Water? Get some Onions – that’ll make your eyes water!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Blood’s not thicker than money.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Don’t point that beard at me, it might go off.
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot
How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?
Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!
Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Remember men, you are fighting for this lady’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
Say! You haven’t stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
She’s afraid that if she leave
s, she’ll become the life of the party.
There’s only one way to find out if a man is honest…ask him. If he says ‘yes,’ you know he is a crook.
There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
Time wounds all heels.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. . . But we’re going back next year.
Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin’ eyes?
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said “I was just whispering in her mouth”.
Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Groucho and Chico Marx
Whatever it means to love rock music I would hope we can all agree on one thing:, the puncturing of the posturing, the loathing of institutions, the instinct of the outsider, I would hope we may all agree these characteristics are a prerequisite.
On a personal level my loathing of Wenner, Aquilante, Bono, Springsteen, folks like these, as recorded on this blog for awhile now, goes to the heart of what I believe is completely wrong for an art form that rather than be an insiders club goes out of its way to include a loser like me.
Rock is a joy and it is about everything, it doesn’t have a penny to its name and and when you tell it its so great it looks at you in amazement and when you get too sure of yourself, when you bully others, when she think that your power means you are above others,when you sully others with your arrogance, you are the opposite of everything that is perfect about the art form. Rock thrives in isolation from the mainstream: punk died the day it grew too big for its boots.
Stuff like the rock and roll hall of fame get it wrong by definition, it deadens it at its heart, and stuff like, say Screaming Females and Girls… young upstarts, free it up again. The only thing the hall of fame could do to make me care is set up a social security for indigent musicians of a certain age. Have they? Nah.
And Grocho Marx is rocks , or at least Rock NYC, patron saint. Born on 78th street, poor as a church mouse, he and his fellow Marx Brothers came out of vaudeville to appear in some of the funniest movies ever made: Horse Feathers, A Night At The Opera, A Day At The Races, Duck Soup Room Service.I remember being a child and being woken up by laughter: my Dad having hysterics over a Marx Brothers movie. 45 years later I am still laughing over the same actions.
Goucho went from vaudeville to radio to broadway to hollywood to television and excelled at all. And along the way he sang a handful of comedy masterpieces: “Lydia The Tattoed Lady”, “Hello, I Must Be Going” “I’m Against It”. Extrenely funny novelty numbers which worked their way out of the Marx Brothers vaudeville routine.
Groucho was an American antihero, like Bob Dylan after him, a loquacious, whip smart, Jewish intelllectual. A man who passes through the ages untouched by time, beyond time, his assault at power unrelenting.
In our own small way I believe Helen, Nessing and I are trying to do a similar thing. We question rock and keep it in line. Or at least Helen definitely does….
Some Groucho one liners:
I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
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