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VMA’s 2009: Boring (except for Kanye)

Here is a secret only known by me and all the other suckers who watch VMA: it’s a bit of a drag by now and it ha nothing to do with anything whatsoever. I went to see em live twice in the 90s and it is much worse it person: highlights like Puff Daddy’s Biggie tribute with Sting on “I’ll Be Missing You” might be moving on TV, it’s all a lot smaller and stupider in person (I lost my torch and so swung my hands in the air for a minute before giving up).
Of course, the action isn’t on stage or in the stalls: it’s in the foyer where the weak and the powerful run shoulders for the sole purpose of getting totally fucked up before the afterparty (I also went to the afterpart once, but I need to get to the after-after-after-party and couldn’t). They use bodies employed to fill seats during the show because everybody who usn’t getting an award is elsewhere for the most part,. Here is cindy Crawford with a Chardonny in one hand and a screwdriver in the other, there is Sean Penn chatting up some assistant media buyer and everywhere the line at the bar is five deep and the voice of the haves and have nots so loud I’m surprised it didn’t filter into the broadcast.
Well, last night began with Madonna’s ridiculous opening tribute to Michael Jackson. Essentially, she portrayed as a superstar who lost his childhood to fame and, in trying to replicate it, was first misunderstood and then lynched, by the public. This is bullshit of intense proportions. MJ was an R&B pop Prince who over two albums (Off the Wall and thriller) changed the pop music game by incorporating first state of the art production and next state of the art videos, in the game. He was also AT THE VERY LEAST, a deeply disturbed man with paedophilia tendencies who drugged himself to death. That’s the truth -Madonna is a liar and the selling of MJ is pathetic. Remember: the truth ALWAYS BEATS the legend because it can’t let you down.
With the exception of the “Scream” sample, Janet was spectacular, all the dancing in the MJ tribute was as dead as he was. They were replicas of other people’s greatest moments and completely useless. Russell Brand was completely useless. What the hell is the use of having a mindbending motherfucker like Brand if you are gonna nuzzle him. It’s not that he was either funny or not funny, it’s that we didn’t get the chance to figure out if he was funny. How could they get a guy whose entire schtick is outrage and have him kowtow to the muckity mucks pop stars of 2009. If Brand was going to give up the vicious asshole award to West perhaps West shoulda been MCing.
Otherwise? I have no idea how they managed to get Taylor Swift from Bryant Park back to Radio City Music hall, filiming her live singing “You Belong With Me” , and ending with Taylor on the roof of a cab. And finally Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” performance was brilliant performance art and next year or the year after she’ll run the tables at the VMA’s.
So a snooze? A doze? A night cap? The usual big nothing from a network that has only got music in its title and one night in a year … see you next time…

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