10. “Pirate Flag,”Kenny Chesney. Chesney’s stock in trade has been updating Jimmy Buffet’s “hanging on an island, having a better time than you are” image with some bonus sexuality ambiguity (and making Warren Buffet money in the process). Features the always tricky “world” and “girl” rhyme. Like most modern country, tosses in some 1970s rock power chords underneath, to make middle aged white people feel comfortable.
9. “Cruise,” Florida Georgia Line. Holy Cheese Whiz, the video for this tune has over FIFTEEN MILLION VIEWS. Auto-tuned vocals, big trucks, hot babes that drink whiskey. Banjo in the verses, lead guitar for the solo. This song pretty much defines modern country music. Honestly, if somebody told me this song/video was a parody of modern country music, I’d think it was hysterical.
8. “Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain),” Gary Allan. See, this is an extremely clever weather metaphor. The rain in this instance represents the problems that someone is having. At some point, however, the storm will blow over, the sun will appear, and life will be better. Genius.
7. “Wanted,” Hunter Hayes. Hunter looks like a lost member of ‘N Sync and this is obviously aimed at the teen demographic. This is a pop love song with a few subtle pedal steel licks thrown in for the marketplace. Lyrically, this makes Lionel Richie sound like Van Dyke Parks.
6. “Better Dig Two,”The Band Perry. The death metal teen pop of country music. They broke big in 2010 with “If I Die Young.” Looking forward to their cover of “Death May Be Your Santa Claus.”
5. “Sure Be Cool If You Did,” Blake Shelton. This cheese stick made headlines in January by blasting “old farts” and saying, “Nobody wants to listen to their grandpa’s music.” OK, I’m nobody. I’ll happily take Ernest Tubb over Blake. This would be as generic as modern country gets if not for slightly referencing Dazed and Confused in the title. Trust me, it’s not worth hearing just for that connection.
4. “Downtown,” Lady Antebellum. I heard “Need You Now” about ten million times and never on purpose. This one has a different rhythm than anything else in the Top Ten (play that funky music white boys) and the theme appears to be that some man isn’t getting any “uh uh” until the woman is properly wooed. Don’t give that milk away for free, honey.
3. “One of Those Nights,” Tim McGraw. McGraw and Faith Hill were the reigning Ken and Barbie of Country Music until Shelton/Lambert kicked them off the pedestal. Theme –she’s looking hot, he’s getting lucky. As romantic as a condom commercial.
2. “Highway Don’t Care,” Tim McGraw (featuring Taylor Swift & Keith Urban). Kinda not surprising that the best selling tune on his new album is the one that features Taylor Swift. I would write more about this song, but at the 1:46 mark, I decided I had suffered enough.
1. “I Knew You Were Trouble,” Taylor Swift. At this point, Swift not only transcends country music but all music in general. She’s a celebrity as much as she’s a singer/songwriter. This is a fine pop song and she really doesn’t have to pretend to be country anymore. Love her or hate her, she’s a role model for women from ages 4 to 40. Having seen her in concert, I’m not sure how anyone survives that level of idolatry, but I’m willing to give it a try.
Memo to Blake. It may be that people aren’t nostalgic for their grandpa’s country music. They may be nostalgic for country music with heart and substance.