Well, on a personal level I could mention the super at the building I live in who is from somewhere behind the iron curtain and blasts this Ukrainian folk music on Saturday mornings while I’m sleeping but no… let’s keep our low blows for the rock stars who lunch:
Wim Butlet: I liked to stick a poker up his nostril. He reeks uppity bullshit persona: you just know he’s an asshole. The nose is the window to the soul. The new album isn’t out for another two weeks and I am already sick of him.
MIA: Shut your fucking face you self-righteous bitch. When you are not dissing Lady gaga, you are fucking with reporters, sprouting off about how war is good and generally acting like the female counterpart to Wim. The new album isn’t out yet and I am already sick of her. Oh, and governor’s Island, shut your fucking face and play Radio City with Sleigh bells opening. I don’t wanna spend my life at an all day fucking rave.
Ke$ha: OK, the thrill has gone. That Rolling Stone interview, shut your fucking face. If Ke$ha was a man in a previous life she was a man in her previous life who got her butt kicked a whole hell of a lot.
Bono: So I was wrong, it is in the back he is a pain in.
Zach Whatshisface: can you deport people who live here legally?
Pearl Jam: Shut your fucking face and bugger off to Venezuela and take Sean Penn with you.
Lou Reed: Giving the term high culture whole new vistas of meaning, this guy is horrible to his fans (really, honestly, the guy is wrectched), horrible to anybody loweer down the great order of things and unless you were a dissident in a former USSr satellite and a dead pop artist (but, lest we forget, not a live one) he doesn’t like you so don’t dare to stare him in the eyes.
Conor Oberst: But let me check with his handlers first. When did this guy become a dick? Did I miss that meeting. All those Saddlecreek: All these blokes are awful full of themselves -sell some fucking records by somebody other than Conor or Jenny Lewis (who dumped you).
And All Those Other half Indies with distribution deals: Saddlecreek are the best of the lot. All those Dead Kill Rock blokes are very iffy propositions.
Neil Young: No, rust does sleep you boring old bastard. Hang it the fuck up.
Keith Richards: You know why people think this guy is charming? Because he is still alive.
Rihanna: I liked to watch her wrestle Nicki Minaj
OK. I think that last one should do it.