Coachella has all the cool kids in a tither. Outkast and Arcade Fire? The Replacements, Neutral Milk Hotel, Beck, the Knife, Disclosure, Queens of the Stone Age, Pharrell, Lana Del Rey, Nas, Bryan Ferry, Skrillex, MGMT, Haim, Girl Talk, the Afghan Whigs, Chromeo, Sleigh Bells, Neko Case, Lorde, Solange, Chvrches, Ty Segall, Chance the Rapper, Darkside, Broken Bells, Waxahatchee, Foxygen, Blood Orange, the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, A$AP Ferg, Mogwai, Dum Dum Girls, Washed Out, Holy Ghost!, Superchunk, Duck Sauce, Classixx, the Dismemberment Plan, Warpaint, Factory Floor, Shlohmo, Wye Oak, the Internet, Empire of the Sun, Jagwar Ma, Flume, Future Islands, Motörhead, and who the hell else cares?
Stop.
Just fucking stop and calm down a moment. Outkast- are you kidding me? Go to Governors Island see them local. Arcade Fire? C’mon kids think it through. These bands in a ‘festival’ environment are nothing but a tasting spoon of quasi hip. Not one of these bands won’t be swinging through your town on their own tour with a legit full set. So tell me why you would want a 6 song sampler with throngs of outdoor crowds and a porta potty.
I know people who are literally in depression because they are unable to attend this event. Festivals are fabulous, I have no qualms with them- but I do have a problem with the hype created as bands are announced. These aren’t that great guys- they aren’t. I understand the obscurity of some of these bands so to see them in large form is fantastic but I don’t get the heated beanie wearing mentality of “Imma die if I don’t go”
You won’t die if you don’t see Neko Case. I promise you, you’ll be just fine if never in your life you don’t see Duck Sauce live. Honest. And those bands who made you scream, that Arcade bit the Motorhead stuff, they’re coming to your town! I swear they will and there will be stadiums and seats and close parking. Maybe a restaurant nearby so you don’t have to chow down on fair food and flat soda. They’ll have t-shirts to buy and ground to stand on (as opposed to dirt and gravel) and real bathrooms with mirrors so you can actually stop and make sure you’re beanie hat is on just right!
Coachella is taunting you- like donuts to a diet. You think you can get a hit of that elsewhere? You’re wrong. Trust me. Today’s horror of living on the East Coast and missing this mondo fest will soon float away just like Cali when the San Andreas fault lets loose. Calm down, grab a Starbucks venti and shut the hell up.