"Fck oh u hos" as the late great Biggie Smalls once put it. We rock critics, bad ass bloggers, whatever the fuck we are,are part of a dying breed. You can't make money making fun of pompous ass rock stars and you sure can't make friends, being on the side of the angels won't get you very far, and the more brutally honest you are the harder is to MAKE FUCKING MONEY.
As Paul Williams once wrote about rock critics: good for nothing, bad in bed, nobody likes us, we're better off dead.
So why bother?
Because music is awesome and the truth is always fun.
So here are some rules for you to live by:
1. Don't be boring -THIS IS DEADLY SERIOUS. I like to call it the Pitchfork clause: better not to write than to be a drag.
2. Don't be friends with the people you write about -I've been having huge arguments about this and sure it is kinda like teacher student sex. It shouldn't happen but it does. Still, for all the good that comes of it, I think it is a betrayal of the rock critics trust.
3. Don't bother being nice to rock stars-you ain't nailing Rihanna so sweetness ain't getting you shit.
4. Musicians success is not a reflection of your opinion unless you're Justin Bieber and they're Carly Rae Jepsen. They don't owe you a damn thing for a positive review.
5. Save the question they don't wanna answer till near the end. I waited till the last five minutes before I called Banarama a groupie.
6. When they start getting all musicologist on you, change the subject.
7. If there is any scandal, however long ago, bring it up.
8. Don't bully people. I call this the Dan Aquilante Back Stabbing Mother Fucker Rule. In a cringeworthy ass kissing review of Joe Perry, Aquilante trashed the unknown lead singer. What a dick.
9. Don't lie.
10. If you follow these rules you will be forgotten five minutes after you die, but if you don't follow these rules you will be forgotten five minutes after you die. So you might as well follow them.