Hey Joshua, I don't mean to be crass but all these people dropping dead at major rock festivals are a real downer. Bands put alot of effort in to these things and let alone the promoters and the merchandise and all the bus drivers, reality its a major undertaking. So if you people keep dropping like flies these events will stop happening cuz the insurance will be outrageous. Put simply… a few dead people can ruin it for all of us.
So, as a public service I offer this simple list of tips on how not to die. You may feel free to print this out and hang it on the fridge as a reminder. If by chance you do die at a fest please do so discreetly cuz I don't want the investigation messing up my stage view.
Here ya go
1- Drink water. Monster or Rock Star is not water. It contains water but it also contains a junk load of other stuff. Drink water pure clear water and lots of it. If you are sweating like a pig double up on the amount of water you're drinking and if you haven't pee'd in 2 hours quadruple the water or you're going down.
2- Eat Food- I don't even care what it is but eat cuz if you dont your blood sugar will drop like a stone and you're going to pass out and get trampled…and die.
3- Don't be a drunk. Drinking til your falling over and puking is so 1980, give it up. This will also dehydrate you so see tip #1.
4- Don't take fists fulls of pills you cant identify. Again, this is so 1980s as is snorting or smoking anything that smells like frying adhesive.
5- If you have a medical condition going to a festival will not cure you. So if you have heart or brain maladies remember they're there. We have all seen the dude in the wheelchair crowd surfing. Be wise you're not invincible on a fair ground.
6- Do not climb up any scaffold or tower to get a better view. You will fall, you will die. Simple.
7- Stay cool. Cool as in temperature, cuz if you're reading this you're already cool in a hip sorta way.
8- Wear sensible shoes. As a heel wearer I can tell you this is not the time for the Fk me pumps, you will fall over, you will die.
9- Do not pick up a stranger and go to their car to 'talk', this also goes for anyone who leads you to a van for candy- they're serial killers. Don't risk it.
10- Don't touch the wires. Don't try to remove them don't try to sit on them don't mess with them at all. They're electric- you will die.
OK y'all, now just live by these 10 tips and you can survive a summer fest. I'm sure Woody can add more but his would focus on avoiding the police and how to survive running from the authorities.
Don't fuck it up for the rest of us. Be a wise festival goer and live to tell about it.
Thanks.