And what a drag it was.
It took two and a half hours, it took Michael Buble’s three song. eleven minute set, for the night to gel. “Hollywood”, followed by “Haven’t Met You Yet” and, finally, with Buble joining the audience of screaming pubescent girls on the floor, a rousing singalong to “Let It Snow”. It was an oddly moving moment in a regimental evening of programmed sounds, listening to 20,000 girls singing the one line chorus made me smile with pleasure. But even Buble’s set was marred by a sound simply too loud for the songs: he sounded tinny and as though the mic was out of sync, his voice going high and low. A mid “Hollywood” guitar was painful, the bass too low, the guitar too loud.
Still, at least it was fun. Next up Katy Perry, who I will get to, and then OMG it’s The Situation; the little girls are screaming as he introduced Enrique Iglesias and Enrique sang “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)” -funny guys, right? It was terrific. But an excruciating “Hero”, where he deeply embarrassed a sixteen year old audience member brought on stage, was a serious flaw and one he rolls out all the time. The girl grinned and blushed and Iglesias danced slowly, touching her hair, stroking her face. The guy is 35 years old. Anyway, other than humiliating a teenage girl, Iglesias was excellent. Set finale”I Like It” was an absolute highlight of the night.
Kim Kardashian lames out with a “I’ve got the fever” introducing Justin Bieber. Justin performed an ebullient, dance inspired 20 minutes and the girls, wow, they were loud. He dougied and jerked and along with Sean Kingston sang a rip snorting “Eenie Meenie” -the single best moment of the evening nearly three and a half hours after the night began. At some point, Justin’s voice is gonna really break and if he goes on like this he his career won’t miss a thing, because, on the strength of two performances, he can be considered an excellent live act.
Unlike the vast majority of popstars out here. Taoi Cruz sounds reprocessed; Bruno Mars is fucked by a crap sound system (I don’t get it at all, Jingle Ball always has great acoustics, what happened?), A “Money”/”Billionaire” would be fun if Mars was better. He looks the part, and his history in doo wop bands, cover bands, should make him a much better performer than he is. Plus, he fronts a rock band. Whatever, he still sucks and should keep to writing hits for Cee Lo. Paramore are unbearable. They do three songs and waste half their set getting an audience member on stage. Hayley will come out for B.o.B.’s set which also sucks big time. “Airplane” Bah to “Airplane”. Mars comes out for “Nothin’ On you”. But no Rivers Cuomo on “Magic”. Selena Gomez gets a huge hand. She is abysmal, and again the too loud and pitchy sound doesn’t help. Selena looks adult-y in a slinky black dress, gives props to Katy Perry: the Webster Dictionary definition of pathetic. Selena’s last song, big hit “Naturally” is a big hit for a good reason. It’s a good song and she isn’t completely and totally sucky on it.
The entire night is very precise, no down time, one band after another with tiny breaks in the middle. All multi-band concerts, “rock the bells”, should ask Z-100 to produce the shows. A revolving stage makes certain there is no lag and every one involved is on point. The Zoo Crew is kept on a very, very tight leash. So the problem isn’t with the production, it is with the artists who can’t seem to prove it live.
Katy Perry is awful. To a reworded “The Bells” a buncha dancers and the band appear, with a big bright red box in the middle of the stage from which, dressed like a Rockettes-y toy soldier, Katy jumps out.
Here is the set list.
Hot N cold
ET
Teenage Dreams
Kissed A Girl
Fireworks
California Gurls
The set was worse than it looks on paper. Katy lacks presence, she is no Madonna, no Britney, certainly no Lady Gaga. The dancing is the usual aerobics, the music proforma, and Katy no center figurine. She is jokey, silly. The thing about any type of self-deprecation is the joke should be that you are really good. She was really bad. The “remixed” “Kissed A Girl” gave me nightmares. And the rest of it isn’t as bad but it is really nothing much. All Katy needed to do was to deliver a tight, well sung set and she couldn’t do it. To compare her to a peer, Lilly Allen, Lilly with no theatrics at all, can hold the audience in the palm of her hands, Katy let’s the moment slip thru her fingers.Many years ago, J Lo was so terrible at Jingle Ball the vaguest chance of her touring was shelved. Katy isn’t that. But she sure ain’t Justin Bieber.
The thing is, she, like so much modern pop, is manufactured, self-manufactured, product. I have no problem with product. Business is business and if it sounds good, do it. But this year Z100 got the wrong mix of talent and the product, precisely engineered naval maneuvers failed to rattle the world.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxQDs3sjX7Y&fs=1&hl=en_US]