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Why Girls Can’t Rock by Helen Bach

“.if you can’t hang with the big boys get the hell off the stage!” Contributing writer Helen Bach takes on girl rockers…
Fancy writing something about girl singers?
That’s how it started but the tougher part is putting into words why I have such an amazing problem with female singers. I’m so closed minded for an open minded person.

I need to start off by saying I try…I WANT to like a female singer and as a mom of a rocker daughter I would LOVE for her to have a current role model. I wanted so much to love The Veronica’s, they’re cute they’re sassy. They suck.

Pink, Madonna, Beyonce, Brittany? Nope. They all have the same MO. I love you ,I hate you, go die, make love to me, get the fuck out, why’d you leave me, Ill show you……no thanks.

It seems to me in my quest to find a girl to respect the well runs dry so fast. Most female singers are supported by tight dresses Spanx and a swelling band. Hayley Wiliams of Paramore? Nice air guitar but Benetar sucked just as much as you years prior. The flip side of the glamour girls are the grungy girls with bare legs and cowboy boots trying to be trailer park vixens all the while falling short of tolerable.

But wait…..

There are a few. A handful of women I admire. I can listen to them all day I can relate to them they aren’t full of shit and glitter. The list is small but the list is powerful

Gwen Stafani is my girl crush. Way on back to No Doubt up to her ghetto- licious hollah back I adore her. She is not smoke screening you she is giving you no bull. She will drop and give you 20 push ups and you’ll cheer her on. I saw No Doubt this summer. Horridly opened up by Paramore, I would have called out sick if I were them. No way could they hold a candle to this goddess. Gwenns voice has a tremendous ability to morph from vulnerable to strong all the same time remaining true to herself. Shes not yelling at me to ‘CMON!’, were joining in naturally cuz we want to go with her.

Salt n Peppa hell yes..again strong girls with no I’m sorrys. Joan Jett? A bit to latex fetish for me shes lately catering to the fringe but then again, shes strong and tough and no holds barred, but shes a rip off of my idol of all time.

Now here is where things get dangerous. This entire piece can go from why I hate female singer to why I love Chrissie Hynde. Allow me a moment to speak of The Pretenders lead. I can not think of a time when she has failed to impress me. She has had some rough offerings but she has had a great length of career in a male dominated suicide surrounded industry and has come out all the better. I challenge you to listen to her rendition of Creep done acoustically and not hands down call her the winner of that song. She is again able to bridge emotions without losing control. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I wouldn’t want to whack Sheryl Crow in the head with a surfboard if she had an ounce of control. Maybe just maybe I would be able to relate to one of our pop stars if I didn’t feel so disgusted by them. For the record I continue to want to love them. I’m a girl! They’re my breed! But I just cant connect.

Rock and Roll is powerful if you cant hang with the big boys get the hell off the stage.

I should hold girl singer auditions. jeans Tshirt white light no make up and a guitar.

g’head impress me I’m rooting for ya.

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