Sufferring through a deep depression (five years and counting!) that somehow got worse this year, I have, this week, found it hard to find music to suit my mood.
Not mourning but lethargic, indifferent, sluggish, just wanting to sleep and be left alone.
And while I am still listening to music for this blog, I am absolutely not finding it for this mood.
I don’t wanna be uplifted, I wanna sink deeper into the recesses of my brain.
The 9/11 requiem On The Transmigration Of Souls is close to what I am looking for, and Joy Division, really all of it but Closer the album and “Transmission”.
The thing about mood swings is it is easier if it is something major that takes you off the deep end. But life for the most part is more of a steady drip of things that make you unhappy. Something semi-big followed by a relentless drip drip drip of small indignities and sorrows. Finally, stuff you would have laughed at ten years ago become huge hurdles and you want to be left alone.
As a person, I don’t try to show how I really feel so it hasn’t effected my social life much. But in the flits and starts (a Costello quote by the Way) where we live there is a darkness which doesn’t seem to lift.
Lorin Maazel’s opus is so upsetting, it mirrors my self-indulgence but for greater effect and better reasons. As the artifice’s of crumble, and as we crumble with it, the search for, and I say this as a hedonist dealing with anhedonia, the voices raise in pain and disquiet to the heavens.
It’s as if life is like being stuck in a Samuel Beckett play when all you wanna be is in an episode of the Monkees.
Joy Division is not ABOUT Ian Curtis’s suicide. if it was why not listen to Nirvana. It is about a deep spiritual need to break out of all the thins that are bounding you to a disparate and bland here and now. It is about waiting to be lead, to be taken, to even follow into the inside, the skittish drums at the begining and the call to the terror and it is followed immediately by “Isolation”: disconnect vocal interrupted by a synth.
It is all a new feeling: it is how we share our worst moments.