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Soundtrack To New Moon: Undeath Cab For Cuties

Without wishing to seriously mix my metaphors… The Twilight Saga: New Moon soundtrack is the aural equivalent of yesterdays Yankees loss to the Angels: over managed though not by Giarardi, by music supervisor Alexandra Patsavas. Patsavas was responsible for the songs on The O.C. and Gossip Girl.  The Twilight saga is an ansgt ridden vampire story for over hormoned youth and middle aged women. It is as depressing a piece of soap opera as you’ll ever see this side of Dark Shadows and while I don’t hate it, it is a little too bleak for my tastes. I do see what the little girls see…

The problem with the Patsavas  soundtrack, which is a virtual who’s who of alternative rock at its most insanely depressive, is it takes the movie too literally. The giveaway is the ebulient Lykke Li’s misery loves company “Possibility”. Li is a fun loving Swede and she sounds like an inch away from slitting her wrists here. Death Can’s “Meet Me At The Equinox” is more depressing then “I Will Possess Your Heart” -more depressing than anything on Narrow Stairs. Isn’t this the cat who just married Zooey Deschanel? Who’s fooling who? “Everything ends…” he warns. Err, I thought the whole point of being undead was it didn’t die. Undeath Cab For Cuties if you will.

And so it goes. Bon Ivers. Look: Bon Ivers??? What tween wants this manically depressed, bearded pop star and the godawful Grizzly Bears’ deeply sunken cheek bones and high pitched harmonies on “Slow Life”. Okay, let’s say what can you expect from Ivers or the Bears? But even the Killers who have been known to, er, rock, every now and then, are disappointing on “A White Demon Love Song” which seems to have been recorded at the wrong speed. Worst of all is Thom Yorke on what sounds like (unlike his last two solo songs last week) a Radiohead outtake and not a particularly good one on “Hearing Damage” -so atmospheric it is only atmospheric.

It’s not that all the songs, or except for Thom and Grizzly, any of the songs, are particularly bad. Lupe Fiasco and Anya Marina come up with real gems. “Satellite Heart” (“lost in the dark” -where else) by Marina is a completely wonderful song ELSEWHERE. But in the middle of this relentlessly middling, high brow, living dead stuff, it sounds like a drag.

Everything sounds like a drag. Wasn’t the whole forbidden love, they fly by night, love is eternal stuff meant to be, on some level or another, FUN? It can’t be all misery, can it? If it is, why are kids flocking to it. I saw the first movie and I thought it was alright -I loved the flying bits.

But this really isn’t very fun stuff at all. She  picked the only Muse song in their entire catalogue where you feel they need a nudge to wake em up. Even Black Rebel Motorcycle Gang sound down and quiet and depressed: all moody quiet balladry and acoustic guitar, all wrong rhyming with all night long.

You wanna give em all Zantax and free psychotherapy with the career advisor of their choice. Like I said, Alexandra Patsavas lost the plot halfway through. She over thought it. She outcooled herself. It isn’t necessarily the songs: the songs might work elsewhere where they don’t work here. By the time the harmonica breaks into “Done Them Wrong”twilight has become electra.

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