Due to a few subway issues, I got to Santos Party House for the Shred For Your Life Guitar Battle, commonly known as Shred Fest, after a few shredders had already melted faces and bent minds. Had I missed the solo to end all solos? The power chord to overpower them all? Thank the metal gods, no; there was plenty more shredding and axe-to-axe musical combat to come.
Thrown by Mark Razo, Andrew WK and buds, Shred Fest is a five-round guitar battle pitting twelve axe wizards in mortal combat, testing their picking speed, shredding sensibilities, and flair in rounds of 60-second musical kumite. The Thursday night contestants varied wildly in these categories, ranging from dudes who did little more than play power chords really fast to true axe demons that wielded their weapons with deadly efficiency and awesomeness. There were moments of horror, confusion, and ecstasy; oh, it was a night.
A quick disclaimer: I wish I could be more precise with the following account, but due to the fact that the host, who was dressed as a cowboy, had put that effect used famously by Mike Jones in that song about videogames on his voice, I understood probably one out of ten words that spilled from his mouth. So don’t hold me accountable for misquotes or wrong names, please.
I digress. The first battle that was really memorable was between a Jimi Hendrix meets the Ladies Man lookalike, complete with an on-stage groupie and roses attached to his tuners, and some other Sir-shreds-a-lot. Jimi, whose stage name escapes me, stood in a power stance, stroking his guitar suggestively and wailing the night away. At the end of his shred sesh, he activated a contraption that he had rigged to the neck of his guitar that squirted moisturizer, which, as you can imagine, stood in for something else, and then proceeded to rub the moisturizer on his face. Jaws dropped, noises of repulsion were made, but Jimi kept rubbing it in. I think Jimi ended up making it to the third round, but it didn’t matter; there were other shredders who shredded him to pieces.
Two of those shredders were up next. Some metal-esque dude was up against Blair, a dude rocking a knit cap, ponytail, and collared shirt under a light brown sweater. Not exactly your typical shredder material, but just you wait. Metal dude went first and seriously ripped it up, utilizing his pedal board that must have weighed nearly 100 pounds to pretty awesome effect. The crowd was seriously into it and went wild. At this point, things were looking bad for Blair. What could he do after the metal guy had melted so many faces? Well, first he chugged a beer, which is always a good start. Then he used the bottle as a slider and put out a seriously sick groove—Blair played everything from flamenco to jazz to metal throughout the night—and people went CRAZY. About halfway through the session, he decided he had had enough of slide guitar and smashed the bottle on the stage, then busted out a NASTY solo to close it out. The crowd, the judges, and even the metal gods were stunned. This was a sign of things to come from Blair.
Fast forward to the final, because although there were lots of sick solos in between Blair’s first appearance and the final, the final was when it really went down. After all of the chaff had been separated from the grain (I’m looking at you, Asian guy in a suit who played chords really fast), it was down to Blair (duh) and Devin (I think), a seriously, seriously nasty shredder who tapped and shredded the night away. These two guys deserved it and the audience expected big things: they got ‘em.
The final was a 90-second shred-off, giving the audience more of what they wanted: shredding. What did Blair, who lost the coin toss to decide who goes first, do? First he pulled his knit cap over his face. Then he got on his knees and proceeded to shred the shit out of his axe blindfolded. Once again, people went crazy. Then Blair put his guitar behind his back and shredded blindfolded and backwards!!! WTF, RIGHT?!? It was nuts.
Good luck, metal dude—but, lo, the metal gods were smiling on Devin that fateful night. Devin went NUTS on his axe, shredding the crap out of it. By this point, Blair had won over the crowd with his sick moves and sweet, sweet axe stroking, but the judges were stalemated. What’s next, you ask?? Well, a shred-off, obviously! A minute-twenty was put on the clock and Blair and Devin traded off on twenty-second shreds, going head-to-head over a beat and bass line. Oh god, it was nice. Though their styles could not be more different—Blair was a guitar story teller, alternately pulling on heartstrings and ripping your face off with soul-crushing solos while Devin repeatedly crushed your soul with his sick metal licks—the judges still couldn’t come to a decision.
So another minute-twenty! Oh, it was wild.
In the end, there had to be a winner. I myself was torn and felt that both Devin and Blair deserved to win the grand prize of a crown made out of mini guitars, a giant guitar pic proclaiming the possessor to be the Grand Master of Shredding in 2010, and some crazy nice guitar worth, like, 6k. How did the judges vote?? Unanimously, Blair! God th
at guy could play, and we all knew it had to be him to take home the grand prize after so much awesome, awesome axe work.
at guy could play, and we all knew it had to be him to take home the grand prize after so much awesome, awesome axe work.
Sadly, even Shred Fests have to come to an end, and the crowd dispersed into the night, forever changed by what they had witnessed at Santos. What could ever top that magical eve?
Well, maybe Shred For Your Life 2011.