I don't care how good a rock critic you are, if people are falling asleep before they hit the second paragraph you fucking suck. Or you write for pitchfork.
I seldom read pitchfork reviews, i use em for "news" I can take and repost and that's about it.
The reason is… well, the reason is their review of the godawful new Death Cab For Cuties is one reason. credit where due, at least they gave it a 5 out of 10 -which sounds about right (a C-) .
But for fucks sake, this is the second paragraph and they still haven't gotten close to the point: "The claims of extended experimentation, though exaggerated, aren't as spurious this time around. Codes and Keys does sound different from the rest of the band's catalog. Soft pitter-pattered beats rustle underneath sparse melodies, while layers of extra instrumentation are placed atop already-busy arrangements. Two songs (the metronomic "Doors Unlocked and Open" and the unmoored piano meditation "Unobstructed Views") run well over the five-minute mark; swaths of gentle noise surround even the most straightforward cuts. If you come to this record looking for something as directly engaging as "Cath…" or "I Will Follow You Into the Dark", you're going to walk away empty-handed.
This gives the word "spurious" worlds of meaning the writer (Larry Fitzmaurice) didn't intent. What is this shit? SOFT PITTER PATTER BEATS RUSTLE UNDERNEATH SPARSE MELODIES??? Are you kidding. maybe it's satire…
And I can't make a living writing? Are you joking me? Is this is what America's youth wants to read? Why? Do they love neither reading, writing, nor music.
Here James, let me help: This boring product celebrates the bloke who is married to Zooey Deschanel's happiness with crap songs, crap melodies, culminating in a song so lousy, the title track is the one in mind, it'll pitter pat you out the fucking window. And what the fuck is that a violin? Gad, keep these guys away from violins at all sakes. "Monday Morning" isn't terrible. Grade: C (upgraded because of "Monday Morning" which i'd forgotten)
Pitter patter this.