If you are a white, heterosexual, American male that slid out of a uterus between 1961 and 1967, chances are pretty high that KISS played a major role in your journey into the world of rock ‘n’ roll. For a generation of teenage boys, kids who slapped the band’s kitschy bicentennial poster on their wall and discussed how “cool” the drum solo was on KISS Alive and dressed like the Spaceman for Halloween, KISS was as important as the Beatles were to an earlier generation of music fans. They were early purveyors of the concept that visual gimmicks and theatrics meant more to a mass audience than what was being performed and reaped astounding financial rewards for this knowledge. And while acts like KISS and Alice Cooper are safer than mother’s milk in 2012, in the early to mid-70s they had the bonus quality of scaring the bejeezus out of parents/authority figures. I was authoritatively informed by my junior high science teacher that KISS was an acronym for “Knights in Satan’s Service.” They didn’t need umlauts to be evil.
Peter Criss is now selling his version of Kisstory with "Makeup to Breakup". Life’s been tough for the old tomcat. The story begins with an extremely melodramatic remembrance of an earthquake in 1994 that almost ended in kitty-cide. Criss put the .357 in his mouth, but didn’t pull the trigger. He didn’t think his parents would welcome him with open paws in the afterworld if his ninth life ended that way.
And so it goes. Endlessly. He was physically abused by one of his grandmothers. He was a sickly child, raised in poverty by unaffectionate parents. He was abused in Catholic schools and then beaten by gangs in public schools. However, he wants us to know that he was a tough street cat, “I’ve been in knife fights, been cut by razors, cut by a meat cleaver.” His main point, however, is that has been a victim. And he wants you to know all about it. At one point, a shady manager basically imprisoned a band he was end for almost half a year and threatened them with Doberman. At times, the critically reader might think these tales are a wee bit embellished.
After playing in cover bands for almost a decade, he was in a band called Lips that recorded an album for Decca in 1971. After Lips dissolved, he was invited to audition for Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley. (The recollection of the initial phone call from Simmons is the best moment in the book). The KISS years are described as an endless sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll orgy. The sexual escapades are not given short shrift, as women are corralled into a hotel room known as the “Chicken Coop” for selection after the gigs and some are decorated with condiments. The sexual objectification of women throughout the book is appalling. Do not buy a copy for your favorite feminist friend.
Criss takes on his old cronies, accusing Gene of having indiscriminate taste in groupies and often reeking of body odor. Stanley’s feminine mannerisms and lifestyle choices are detailed, without getting in the legal trouble of calling him gay. Of course, Ace was a train wreck. However, Criss, the most criticized musician to ever perform in a major band, does not detail his own technical limitations. He does discuss getting drum lessons well after he became famous and notes that Anton Fig was behind the kit for the Dynasty and Unmasked albums.
Discussion of actual music is pretty limited, as Criss details how endlessly he was disrespected in the group, while at the same time admitting to a serious cocaine addiction. The “woe is me” stories never end. His wives cheated him. He was always ripped off in business deals. His jaw was broken after being sucker punched by a large black man, requiring plastic surgery. In some of my favorite things that make you go hmmm moments, Criss sees the bright lights of heaven after a car wreck, is taken to jail by a SWAT team after firing a weapon in his home, and is visited by an angel while in drug treatment.
Ultimately, the unrelieved self pity is exhausting. It’s too bad that Criss didn’t take this opportunity to celebrate the fact that even with limited talent he was able to not only live his dream but also became a part of a truly significant cultural phenomenon. Skip Makeup to Breakup, it’s all kitty litter.
Grade: D+