PERSONAL JESUS: Brett Jensen on Jesus’ Personal Stash Of Songs

First off, Jesus has two very distinct sets of music. The music that “Dad” knows about all came from Wal-Mart, and would have had all the swears removed, if the music had swears to begin with. (it didn’t)

So basically Jesus has a playlist that he plays aloud in his room, and another playlist for his headphones when he goes into his “moods”.

The stuff that Jesus plays aloud on his iHome is a bunch of milquetoast, inoffensive American rock. Quiet garbage like 3 Doors Down, Matchbox 20, and the “clean” Dave Matthews Band songs. Probably the edgiest stuff in this list is instrumental Yngwie Malmsteen tracks. It sounds hardcore, but Yngwie never lets loose with a “motherfucker!” in the middle of the track, so there’s not too much to offend Dad.

After coming back from a hot date with Mary Magdalene, he likes to put “Jesus Christ, Superstar” on, and triumphantly dance naked in front of his mirror. A track naturally skipped is “King Herod’s Song”.

You may assume that Jesus likes “One of Us” by Joane Osborne. Actually, like everyone else, he hates that fucking song, but has never quite gotten over the crush he had on her back in ’95. In a similar vein, Jesus has sworn that if he hears “Drops of Jupiter” by Train one more damned time, he’s seriously ending humanity.

All in all, Jesus is something of a mental case. His Dad sent him to earth to die because everyone else was screwing up. After getting torturously killed by the same people who had already screwed up, Dad declared everything okay, and took Jesus back home. He’s facing some abandonment issues, truth be told.