We stole this off gigwise and they could sue us they really could… but no such luck. We called Jennifer Chiba a murderer and didn’t get sued. We HELD A SEANCE TO REACH A DEAD ROCK STAR AND NOBODY SAID A WORD. Called Dan Aquilante of New York Post a liar and a fool -time after time after time.
So I feel quite comfortably in pilfering this gigwise post and dumbing it down so I can understand it (or at least so I don’t false asleep while writing it). Here is the link if you’d rather read the original:
Tom Felton – plays the evil kid who is too big a pussy to kill Dumbledore in Harry Potter just signed a recording contract and is recording a solo album.
Scarlett Johanssen – That Tom Waits album? Ugh. Didn’t her death cab cutie warn her?
Steven Seagal – Apparently plays a mean guitar. Not.
J Lo – I saw her live once. Boy, can the girl lipsynch.
Jamie Foxx – Sounds like a neutered poodle.
Clint Eastwood – They say country, I coulda sworn I heard about a jazz album at some point.
Jack Black – Yeah, you know what? No.
Patrick Swayze – RIP, you dirty dancer you.
Alanis Morrisette – Stretching it there boys.
Corey Feldman – Would be a one hit wonder only it wasn’t a hit.
Robert Pattinson – Apparently TALKING ABOUT RECORDING MUSIC is enough to get you on this list.
Jennifer Love Hewitt – I actually heard some of her dance album. Not so much.
Paris Hilton – Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck, by the way, I was looking for an easy cut and past job and I find myself writing about Paris Fucking Hilton and Tom Felton. That’s what you get for being a thieving bastard.
Jared Leto – He is the lead singer for 30 Seconds To Mars which makes him the Thom Yorke of movie stars who rock.
Bruce Willis – BRUNO!! I’d forgotten about this disaster.
Juliette Lewis – Yeah, she is the Madonna of movie stars who rock.
Keanu Reeves – Wait a second, there are FIFTY OF THESE?????
Russel Crowe – Went by the name of Rus Le Roq. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa
David Hassellhoff – I have no intention of spending the rest of my life writing this crap up.
Minnie Driver – Jesus fucking Christ -enough already
Hillary Duff – THIS IS # 21!!! #21????
Nicole Kidman – . Somethin’ Stupid indeed..
Woody Allen – I have absolutely nothing to say about Woody Allen. No, wait, my friend Michael Blauner used to do a mean Woody Allen impression: “I have never had the wrong kind of orgasm. My worst one was right on the money.”
The Blues Brothers – I have nothing to say about the Blues Brothers. No, wait, didn’t the Vatican just give the movie the thumbs up?
Billy Bob Thornton – Next
Kevin Bacon – Plays with his brother… wait, that doesn’t sound quite right.
Jane Birkin – If I knew she was here, I wouldn’t have put Tom Felton as the pic.
Eartha Kitt – Meow.
Traci Lords – I saw one of her xxx movies years ago. If I knew she was fifteen at the time I’d have watched it twice instead of for 20 minutes.
John Travolta – I got chiiiils they’re multiplyin’…
Milla Jovovivh – Rus Le Roq!!! that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
Telly Sevalas – Remember him, well, don’t remember him this way.
Mr. T – Not to mention all of the folks off Golden Throats
Lindsay Lohan – # 34. Not that I’m counting, mind.
Burt Reynolds – Lalalalalaaa -just singing to myself.
Don Johnson – He aged well, didn’t he?
Gwyneth Paltrow – This fucking sucks. I went in search of an easy post and it has taken me longer to write than my Amy Carreia review
Michelle Pfeiffer – I just got some dust in my eye. Ouchy.
Judy Garland – Some nights I look up at the stars and I wonder if the universe is infinite or finite and if it is finite doesn’t that mean it is
bordering on something?
bordering on something?
Eddie Murphy – Makes Jamie Foxx sound masculine.
Jeff Bridges – It’s like I am the last person on earth, writing,and writing and writing this endless post and one day I will be found dead here, making jokes about Bruce Willis and babbling incoherently. Of course if I was dead I would probably not be incoherent. I mean, Elliott Smith made a lot of sense when I interviewed him earlier this year.
Heather Graham – NOOOOOOO -not Heather Graham. I thought at least she was safe.
Kate Winslet – I am so bored with this I might actually mention the song she sang: “What If” was on the A Christmas Carol soundtrack. But don’t get used to it. Professionalism will only get us so far.
Marilyn Monroe – Oh, what pretty colors.
Ron Jeremy – Raps, his penis around the nearest lamp post.
William Shatner – “look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she’s gooone”… the echo on “gone” still cracks me up.
Will Oldham – The first thing I’m gonna do when this post is over is go for a walk, you know, just enjoy the freedom of not HAVING TO be writing. Maybe I will get a hot dog. Maybe go to the movies. Suddenly the world seems so filled with possibilities
Keira Knightley – Either I used to date her or the hallucinations have started.
Leonard Nimoy – OK, that’s cheating
Marilyn Monroe – The seasons go round and round but I’m still here writing this post. Wait, I’ve written about her before. Maybe I am in some time warp going round and round and round writing the same post over and again. To quote Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, save me Superman.
Robert Downey Jn. – Supplies are low. Cold, so very cold. Tell Helen my last thoughts were of her…