this years grammy winners
I didn’t watch the pop music poop parade complete with the exploitation of some random children that couldn’t possibly have Michael Jackson’s genes.
Do you know why I didn’t watch?
Because I don’t tune into things that insult my intelligence.
Because a song for emotionally immature college sophomore girls… “Single Ladies” was declared the best song of all 2009.
Because fucking Green Day, a band no real music fan has listened to since 1998, somehow won Rock album of the year. This milquetoast masterpiece was used only for background music on cell phone commercials. No one talked about this album, because no one listened to this album. They’ve resigned themselves to being generally pleasing to all audiences. When The Observer likens Green Day to Bruce Springsteen, it’s time for ONE of them to hang it up. The only man older than Billy Joe Armstrong who wears eyeliner is your gay grandpa.
Because “Best Rock Song” was won by song written in 2007 and released in 2008. Apparently 2009 couldn’t swing one.
Because EVERY GODDAMN NOMINEE for “Best New Artist” has been around for a fucking decade. (Zac Brown? Active since 2000. Keri Hilson? Active since 2001. Silversun Pickups? So old they only have 50% of their original lineup. MGMT? Active since 2002, and fallen out of favor ever since August 2008. The Ting Tings? Around since 2004. Do you know who ACTUALLY won “Best New Artist” in 2004? Goddamned Evanescence.
Because “I’m On a Boat” was nominated for a Grammy. If Internet viral jokes qualify for a Grammys, I nominate Dick in a Box. Same guy, funnier song: Andy Samberg. “Run This Town” was funny, just not with as much intention.
Because I’m fucking sick of whomever this Taylor Swift girl is.
Once a year, broadcaster standards are relaxed, and America watches record companies masturbate. These awards are nothing more than a commercial for the shit they think you haven’t QUITE bought enough copies of yet.
If you like being assured that you’re doing the same thing that everyone else is, I recommend the following things:
Croc shoes
The Olive Garden
Lower back tattoos
Cupcakes for adults
Books Oprah tells you to read
Calling Simon Cowell mean while speed-dial-voting for a teenager
Dan Brown novels
Can you imagine if they gave out Pulitzers like this?
On one hand, you have steady, reasoned, well-versed professionals practicing a trade.
On the other, you have dayglow, peepants, methy hookers performing “I’ve gotta feelin”.