What does the future bring? Nobody knows, nobody knows but me….
Arcade Fire – The newbie is Pitchfork’s # 1 album of the year, the Stones # 9 album, Spins #5 album. Doesn’t actually sell any copies.
The Cribs – Will change their name to Cribplay and still not crack the States.
Bob Dylan – Takes the day off touring. Spends it dressed as Santa Claus scaring his Grandkids in the middle of March.
Kanye West – Holds a press conference, apologizes, requests privacy as he works through his problems. Nobody knows what he has done but it must be bad.
Kid Cudi – Opens fire on his audience at a club in Delaware. Holds a press conference, apologizes, requests privacy as he works through his problems.
Helen Bach – Surprises everybody by marrying Mick Jones . Discovers to her dismay, it’s the Foreigner Mick Jones and not the Clash one. Divorces him and marries Paul Simonon instead.
Iman Lababedi – gives up day job to sequence drum machines.
Justin Furstenfeld – Cancels all Blue October activity, severely distressed over Helen Bach’s marriage. He holds a press conference, apologizes, requests privacy as he works through his problems.
Lady Gaga – Stops the big stage production. Goes on stage with a band, sings her songs. “Musicians should try this,” she says. Then she holds a press conference, apologies and asks for privacy as she works through her problems
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Love Via Dance Machine – Tour all year, hit puberty at a Vans Warp festival in August.
Mary Magpie – Switches to guitar, forms a band, bans Rock NYC from her concerts.
Mike Nessing – Finds the band of his dreams, a Zappa cover band, all of whom have beards and all of who have died in a car crash.
Phish – Have a bad trip. Hold a press conference. Apologize. request privacy as they work through their problems.
R. Kelly – Arrested for not having sex. Holds a press conference. Apologizes. “I have a problem,” Kelly admits. “Sometimes I can go hours without feeling horny.” His wife requests “Privacy while we deal with this personal tragedy and so I can finish my homework”.
Robin Thicke – Admits he is really Will Downings with a bad headache.
Shinobi Ninja – Move to Cali, open a club, rule the State and secede from the Union.
Solange Knowles – Forms a band with Tune-Yard. Will only play the Bell House and songs can’t be downloaded out of the Brooklynn area.
The Strokes – Not seen all year. Believed to be hold up in U2’s studio in Belfast.
Taylor Swift – Interrupted while giving her acceptance speech for best supporting actress by George Jones who says “Imma let you finish, but George Strait deserves this:.
U2 – Admit that everybody who wants to see U2 have seen U2 and curtail their five year tour. Bono speaks at the United Nations. Apologizes. requests privacy as he works through his problems.
Vampire Weekend -Move to LA, , join the young Republicans, run for Governor of California on an our parents will make up the deficit with their own money.
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