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The Big Huerta: State of the HeART 2016

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First off, I want to thank Iman Lababedi and rock nyc  for giving me the chance to post updates on my “new reality”. This reminiscence is just to touch base with some peeps. Many here may not bother to read this nor have interest in this. That is fine. We all have our busy days and interests. Some of you may be battling other problems…sickness, unemployment, depression, drug addiction..we all fight our private battles..respects to all of you. I just wanted to check in mentally and to state where I am in this point of life. (I can hear the thousands of mouse clicks going off to the latest post of “How Adele saved the music world”). I understand I am speaking to a limited audience…and I thank you for all of the support. I am putting this out there twofold, to help me in the future, to look back and see if I have made any steps in the grieving process and to help people that might have to go through this someday. I hope this never happens to any of you. But unfortunately, things like this do happen to peeps when they least expect it. So if baring my soul can helps folks in the future..

A little history…I began to paint after the loss of my parents some nine years ago. My father was sick for a while so his death was pretty expected. My mom’s was very sudden just a few months after my father’s passing. My wife told me that after my mother’s passing that I had changed. I withdrew more and was very introspective and did not communicate as well as I should have with others. She suggested painting as a way to get my mind off things. Looking back, I wish I would have gone to a grief class or undergone counseling. I didn’t realize how much my mother’s death affected me.

Fast forward to late November of 2014, my wife passed away and I was truly thrown into the abyss. It is hard to describe what it feels like when you lose a spouse. All of your dreams, all of your plans, the places you had wonderful times at, the music you shared, all are gone. If you have lost a parent, multiply that feeling by about a hundred and you will grasp what it is like. I remember being approached by a hospital staff member with brochures on grief and how to get help when my wife was still alive. I didn’t want to face that reality. It wasn’t until after THE meeting in a closed room that the doctor told me there was no chance she would live, did I face the truth. There was always hope. I think I was the only one blinded with hope. Your brain fills itself with denial so you can continue to go on. It’s a coping mechanism to survive. I have spent most of this past year in a strange daze…a combination of grief, insomnia and disbelief, still. My mind is definitely messed up. I have gone to a group grief support system and I am currently in counseling sessions. These do help and I do recommend them if you lose someone close to you. There are a couple books that I recommend also, “Wish You Were Here” by Amy Welborn and C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed”. These books help you see that you are not alone in these feelings of being an outsider and of wondering why this happened to you and of every little thing reminding you of that person and how you shared love and life. The smelling of that person’s clothing just to get her smell in your being again..the keeping of a hairbrush etc..these are normal human responses to grief.

I have just finished re-doing the bedroom. Hanging my paintings, some signed baseballs…making it mine…I have yet to sleep in our bed. Hopefully, very soon, I will achieve this goal. It is a giant and intimidating step, folks. I know it sounds strange.

I have great family and friend support…even people I have never met send encouraging words of love, it is awe-inspiring. You really see the greatness in people when one is going through some tragic times. I have some friends that sort of force me to go out…and I appreciate that. I was never Mr. Social to begin with…but I appreciate the efforts, again, most of you that started reading this will not have bothered to finish this article, I understand…no fun here…but those of you that are still with me, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart…and with each day, not to say it is getting easier, far from it, believe me, there are dark, dark days, but I am getting a better handle on dealing with the loss of Misty.

In conclusion, there seems to be some spirituality going on with me and believing in forces that I cannot see. I experienced some things that are unexplainable, to help me, I believe, get through this time in my life. I have been blessed to be strong enough and not go down the path of self-destruction (as of this writing…you never know what the future holds for you) that I did when I was younger. It strikes me as sort of funny and nice that I am getting a bit of recognition for my “art” and I know Misty is laughing at me all the while. I feel I do get guidance. The late musician Hirth Martinez told me to “stay open spiritually, be open to the voices and the feelings…go with them, listen to them”. I understand what he meant now. Most of my friends are creative types. Ya gotta listen to your inner voices peeps. They just might be people that you have known, guiding you from another level or plane of existence. I know I have heard my wife’s laugh on a couple of occasions. I know some might think I am crazy…but I am just putting it out there…how you want to deal with it is up to you. I won’t be offended. Peace and thank you for the positive thoughts, TBH.



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