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The Big Huerta: *ARTicle Never Sent

goodeedheartbeach 005a

*In reference to an REM song, “Letter Never Sent”.

Heaven is yours, Heaven is yours, Heaven is yours where I live

I followed the catacombs, left my soul at home, this letter never sent…

 

  If you are reading this then you will probably know that I try to write a sort of humorous weekly column about my painting hobby. I am thankful that I can indulge in this along with my hack writing. I am using this week’s column to explain the reason for not being able to come up with a readable article. You can stop reading now if this doesn’t interest you. I understand completely. Hopefully next week will be better…

For those of you still here…I may get to rambling but I do have a point somewhere here. First, let me just say, and this sounds off the wall, that one of the reasons Pet Sounds is one of my favorite LP’s of all-time is not only the amazing music, or the production but the vulnerability that comes through on this record is amazing. The feeling of a young Brian Wilson laying his heart on the line, his insecurities, his faults, his lost loves, the wanting of things the way they were, the not being made for these times, struck a major chord in my teen head that has stayed with me to this day. I have followed Brian’s life path since the 70’s and it really is a victory to see how he is today and that he was honored with a movie. God bless Brian. I can’t imagine the huevos that it took to come up with some of these lyrics that are in Pet Sounds. Guys aren’t supposed to be sensitive. It was an honesty that came straight from his heart and it came through in the music. It was all about what one was/is feeling in the heart at the moment. I just want to put down what is in my heart or where my head is at right now in this point of my life.

If there is a State of the Union about people, well, this is my state of me and the reason for the muse-less weeks.. Again, you can stop reading at any time. I think a lot of the readers here know that my wife passed away at the end of November in 2014. When one loses a spouse or child or loved one, the grieving is intense and forever. They tell me that the grief lessens as time goes by. I surely hope so. Everything, and I mean everything in my world reminds me of a better time. A song you hear on the radio, a restaurant you drive by, a freaking coffee cup, they all hold keys to a life that was supposed to be together forever. I have been going to counseling. I remember refusing it when Misty passed away but came to realize I better get help to make sure I was grieving properly. I thought I was going crazy. I still have doubts about my sanity but I see folks worse off than I am, so I am still holding together, at least for public consumption. Yes, there are right and wrong ways to grieve. There are times when I fight the craving of going over the deep end, of getting a nice bag of addictive substances and s-loads of alcohol and maxing out my credit cards in a suite in Vegas and going out in style. Would it matter? But the fighter in me seems to stand here and box toe to toe with depression and solitude and come out bloody and dazed like the Bayonne Bleeder, Chuck Wepner.

What makes a man start fires The Minutemen asked. Well, what makes a man/person continue? I am NOT looking for pity and I could be waaaaay worse off than I am. It just at this juncture in time, my life feels like a perfect storm of loneliness, helplessness, of fighting the every day fight with both hands tied behind my back. I thank God I have a job. But it’s hard getting up every day and going to work and dealing with the stress and emotions of just being out there on survival mode where every nerve ending is exposed, sans armor, while you try to keep your mind on work when so many things remind you of the life that you have lost. I realize we are all fighting and living in our own private hells. I have friends out there that are battling cancer. That is a different battle that is being waged out there and has to be dealt with and I am in no way disrespecting those battles. What I am putting down is what I know and what I am going through, that the loss of a loved one, puts one’s entire life in a shambles. I feel that I am in a rebuilding process with my life. The death of a spouse affects your beliefs, to your relationships with friends and family. Your future of growing old together ended and when you watch a loved one slowly die in the hospital, the words “in sickness and in health” words you never really thought twice about, hit home very hard. Grief is like Shaft, it’s a bad muthereffer and will fuck you up. I know there are several peeps on FB that have gone through this and there will be more that will go through this. If this article, or if I can be of service to them, then contact me. Grief weakens you and makes you very tired. It is very taxing on the body and soul. As of right now, I am trying to fight the strong fight. I no longer break down every day.

I am lucky enough to see my wife in my dreams and I take these visits as messages. I hope that I don’t sound too much like a repeating record but people use FB to share what they are doing, where they are going etc. .This is what I am going through….almost a year later…And hopefully soon I will be able to listen to Caroline, No again without it killing me…Thank you and love to you all..TBH.

ednmistya

 

2 Comments

  1. philo on October 9, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    You are an amazing man and your writing show us your soul. I’m very proud to call you my friend. Much love to the Big Huerta!

  2. Matthew Wayne Selznick on October 9, 2015 at 12:54 pm

    Vulnerability is the engine of connection, Ed. Nothing and no one will ever replace the connection you have with Misty… but it seems to me like you’re doing the right thing in writing these articles, painting, and being honest… staying connected to yourself and the world.

    It’s hard goddamn work. But nothing worthwhile is devoid of pain. And there are all those little monents in the process, like rocks in a creek, that keep us moving through it. Sharing drops another stepping stone in someone else’s path. Keep going, man.

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