The Worst (New) Song EVER: Florida Georgia Line’s “I Love My Country”

Written by | March 31, 2020 14:31 pm | No Comments

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I have spent a life time (or at least eight years)  hating Florida Georgia Line’s mix of country, country pop, and bpms for sale, hitting the bottom of the barrel early with the excruciating 2012 “Cruise” and everything else the duo have ever done has had the sweet aroma of bullshit.

The two rode that hit with everything they had, refried it a coupla times, and I could never ever take em till… late last year “Y’All Boys” -which sounds like the sorta song Blake Sheldon can’t do anymore, just a coll hit of red neck power song anthem and quite pleasant. Indeed, pleasant enough where “I Love My Country” two weeks ago?

Look, ever since 9-11 I haven’t had the trouble with patriotism I once did, and when it comes to New York City I am extremely patriotic and if I can love this dirty ol’ town, why can’t Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley love Monroe, Georgia? In one way, they come to us via Baptist Church, they reached music the same direction Ray Charles and r&b did. So it makes sense to try and not hate em.

At first I didn’t realize how terrible a song it was. Not emotionally, not lyrically, I am not a moralist and I didn’t care if they wanna shout out Georgia Strait, I love him myself. So I gave it a “B+” and really:

I love my country
I love my country
Six strings and fiddles
Whiskey from Kentucky
We keep it funky we like how it sounds
Monday to Sunday, yeah, I love my country

Stupid, sure, but not PAINFULLY stupid the way their quote to “A Taste Of Country” was:  “We’re all living in uncertain times or quarantined, not really sure what the future holds. But we’re still loving life, still having a good time and this song really, really does that for us. It brings us so much joy and makes us feel so good, and we hope it does the same for you guys.”

So it didn’t get on my best of the year but I did give it a “B” and I put it on a mix and pretty soon I wanted to strangle the little idiots. At first it took till the earworm horror of the chorus, the “I love my country” gobble vocal, the hoos and the wooos, and pretty  soon it was “Hey Siri, play the next song” the second they hit the chorus. But it got worse. Soon the opening riff had me looking for the next and now the synth roar to the first lick was enough. And today I just got rid of the sucker as it immediately and immensely put me in a goddamn shitty mood.

The problem with an an addictive hook when it is bad is that it haunts you like and enters your mind when you would be rather thinking about other stuff, like how you would look on a respirator, and when the song comes on it wipes out everything else you’ve ever thought about except the sheer horror of life until you stop it from playing. It is like a stupid “Cruise” and once the song stops working from you, you are left to ponder what exactly these pieces of beef love about their country:

Beer
Fish
The Lord
Liquor out the bottle
(wait, I’m losing interest)
Styrofoam plates
Strings
Fiddles…

Styrofoam plates?
Worst song ever

 

 

 

 

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